I think the reality of me being on time for anything now is incredibly slim to none... For the second time this week my little boy and I braved public transport.
We caught the bus first... I aimed for the hour before one in the eventuality (or reality) that I would miss the first. Good plan!
Obstacles attempted to stop me being on time from the outset. 11.06, baby pees over me and himself. 11.09 baby poos whilst nappyless. 11.17 after myself and baby have changed clothing realise the cat has chewed through the phone charger and I am attempting scary public transport with no means of communication... 11.29 eventually leave the house. 11.31 realise left the changing bag at home and go back for it. 11.46 frantically waiting in a huge queue in poundland with one bleeding cashier waiting to pay a freaking pound for the shoddy replacement phone charger the cat chewed through, considering if they would actually do me for shop lifting if I walked out for the sakes of a quid. 11.48, running like a mad woman with a buggy to the bus station to catch the 11.47 bus...11.52 sat in Costa coffee with a latte.
Today's debacle went pretty much the same way apart from Crewe's stupid entrance to the train station being the final "screw you" to my rush for the train. Baby needed a feed just as we were leaving the house, it was ok, had built in extra time for this! Fella just had to drop us off then...stupid inconvenient drop off point!!!
I would have waited until I'd gotten to the train station but social convention would probably deem me to be a weirdo for buying a ticket with a baby attached to my boob. Damn you social convention and your inconvenient ways!
I'm not surprised people drive, I would if I could, even with the petrol strikes and increase in cost! At least the smallest of inconveniences wouldn't throw my whole day out by hours. Working to other people's schedules with a baby both sucks and blows!
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Working to other schedules
Thursday, 22 March 2012
Budget Fudge-it!
Well, it's been that time of year again, politically controversial and chaotic... The Budget. I was glad to see that this year they had indeed budgeted for a new briefcase for the Chancellor, nice shiny red thing, bet Gordon Brown was immensely jealous. Despite this being what I would usually consider a bleak time of year, suffice to say the only thing that really annoyed me about the Budget was Ed Milliband's face.
After the announcements Mr. Milliband's smug face emerged on the TV, his lopsided toothy grin began to nit-pick on the smallest of unexplained things in the way that a reader of The Sun would take to a scaremongering tactic. Irritating ugly little man.
'The Budget favours the millionaires!!!' well, no. I don't pretend to be a millionaire or even someone who earns a ridiculous amount of money but I do believe that if someone has worked hard for their wage why should they have to contribute 50% of what they earn to pushchair brigade skets and their benefits way of life? So what if their 50% contribution has been dropped to 45%, it's their money! I did notice however the canny way of increasing stamp duty on expensive properties to 7% was a way of getting back some of this money... with their increased amount of expendable income the 'millionaires' would be able to contribute to economic growth by purchasing, say, more expensive houses thus contributing in the form of, say, stamp duty! Nice work.
'The Budget will hit the middle earners the hardest' well, no. The BBC showed me in their Budget calculator that we, as a household were a whole £278 better off a month, hurrah! That's our social life funded for the next year. Plus, again, that's £278 that myself and my partner will be 'throwing' back at the economy because, in the classic British way of things, we can't save for toffee, so we'll probably end up spending it! Failing that I'll be setting up a 'Sponsor a Pensioner' charity and my additional money will be donated to my sponsored Pensioner to help them out.
As I watched further these MPs throwing political insults and interrupting each other, it reminded me of a visit to Chester Zoo as a child. I remember the Gorillas going mental and watching them throw faeces at each other, similarly as the MPs hurl insults in the Houses of Parliament... And these people are in charge of our money and lives? Worrying. It's all a bit Planet Of The Apes if you ask me...
With all of the explanations of government spending and cuts, one fundamental problem became apparent - the plan for increasing economic growth and reducing the country's deficit all depended on one thing... The current government being able to complete their plan. With this in mind, and Mr. 'Annoying' Milliband's and the media's scare tactics, in all honesty, what are the chances of this?
After the announcements Mr. Milliband's smug face emerged on the TV, his lopsided toothy grin began to nit-pick on the smallest of unexplained things in the way that a reader of The Sun would take to a scaremongering tactic. Irritating ugly little man.
'The Budget favours the millionaires!!!' well, no. I don't pretend to be a millionaire or even someone who earns a ridiculous amount of money but I do believe that if someone has worked hard for their wage why should they have to contribute 50% of what they earn to pushchair brigade skets and their benefits way of life? So what if their 50% contribution has been dropped to 45%, it's their money! I did notice however the canny way of increasing stamp duty on expensive properties to 7% was a way of getting back some of this money... with their increased amount of expendable income the 'millionaires' would be able to contribute to economic growth by purchasing, say, more expensive houses thus contributing in the form of, say, stamp duty! Nice work.
'The Budget will hit the middle earners the hardest' well, no. The BBC showed me in their Budget calculator that we, as a household were a whole £278 better off a month, hurrah! That's our social life funded for the next year. Plus, again, that's £278 that myself and my partner will be 'throwing' back at the economy because, in the classic British way of things, we can't save for toffee, so we'll probably end up spending it! Failing that I'll be setting up a 'Sponsor a Pensioner' charity and my additional money will be donated to my sponsored Pensioner to help them out.
As I watched further these MPs throwing political insults and interrupting each other, it reminded me of a visit to Chester Zoo as a child. I remember the Gorillas going mental and watching them throw faeces at each other, similarly as the MPs hurl insults in the Houses of Parliament... And these people are in charge of our money and lives? Worrying. It's all a bit Planet Of The Apes if you ask me...
With all of the explanations of government spending and cuts, one fundamental problem became apparent - the plan for increasing economic growth and reducing the country's deficit all depended on one thing... The current government being able to complete their plan. With this in mind, and Mr. 'Annoying' Milliband's and the media's scare tactics, in all honesty, what are the chances of this?
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Since being off work during the day I've found that my home telephone number is subject to an increasing amount of calls from nuisance cold calling companies trying to sell me things (no specifics, I rarely get past the opening sentence). 'Hello?... (10 second wait, or the best one, a ring like I'm calling them)... Hello, I'm Rajesh calling from *CLICK*.
I know these guys are out to make bread, most of the time I do take a moment to explain to them that I'm not interested and that I'm ex-directory, I'm not supposed to be receiving marketing phonecalls as I'm on a register for it, and 'HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER???' to which they reply with something along the lines of 'oh but we're trying to give you a better offer than your current energy supplier!' *CLICK*...
I do however draw the line when they call and say 'Can we speak to a Mr or Mrs Mudd?'. I used to tell them that neither Mr or Mrs Mudd were available as they didn't live here, until they cottoned on that I was the woman of the house and I was not married. Now 'Can we speak to a Mr or Mrs Mudd?' is met with a hearty *CLICK* of my phone hanging up.
I am an avid user of Skype nowadays and was appalled to see that even online telephone use was not free of these nuisance callers. I was shocked to receive a call from a robot this afternoon attempting to sell me computer protection (?) it appears that Pop Ups are not the only annoying marketing strategies being employed throughout the internet any more... Fortunately I was able to hang up, censor future calls and even block the computer from calling me and selling me things, surely this would be a brilliant addition to BT's phoneline protection from these annoying people?
If I indeed wanted to save myself money on my energy bills, wanted a grant for heating insulation, was interested in signing up for some scheme or other I'll get in touch with you. I'm happy to keep 'paying more' with my current energy supplier because they don't call me up and annoyingly hassle me all the time thankyou very much. Next time you call, I will be employing this technique for comedy value for myself. Annoy me, I'll annoy you more. *CLICK*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifMjLEKgRhw
I know these guys are out to make bread, most of the time I do take a moment to explain to them that I'm not interested and that I'm ex-directory, I'm not supposed to be receiving marketing phonecalls as I'm on a register for it, and 'HOW DID YOU GET MY NUMBER???' to which they reply with something along the lines of 'oh but we're trying to give you a better offer than your current energy supplier!' *CLICK*...
I do however draw the line when they call and say 'Can we speak to a Mr or Mrs Mudd?'. I used to tell them that neither Mr or Mrs Mudd were available as they didn't live here, until they cottoned on that I was the woman of the house and I was not married. Now 'Can we speak to a Mr or Mrs Mudd?' is met with a hearty *CLICK* of my phone hanging up.
I am an avid user of Skype nowadays and was appalled to see that even online telephone use was not free of these nuisance callers. I was shocked to receive a call from a robot this afternoon attempting to sell me computer protection (?) it appears that Pop Ups are not the only annoying marketing strategies being employed throughout the internet any more... Fortunately I was able to hang up, censor future calls and even block the computer from calling me and selling me things, surely this would be a brilliant addition to BT's phoneline protection from these annoying people?
If I indeed wanted to save myself money on my energy bills, wanted a grant for heating insulation, was interested in signing up for some scheme or other I'll get in touch with you. I'm happy to keep 'paying more' with my current energy supplier because they don't call me up and annoyingly hassle me all the time thankyou very much. Next time you call, I will be employing this technique for comedy value for myself. Annoy me, I'll annoy you more. *CLICK*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifMjLEKgRhw
Monday, 19 March 2012
Shameless YouTube plug....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJp12oN9PMc
Please view this! It's a friend's film, I promised I would shamelessly plug it for him!!!
Please view this! It's a friend's film, I promised I would shamelessly plug it for him!!!
Please Don't Reproduce...
Being a new mum I probably fall into the category of 'overprotective' when it comes to my little man. Obviously I want what's best for him like any good parent, included in this is education and not hanging around with warts on the ass of humanity. As much as I do actually like where I live due to transport links, things to do and top quality Belgian beer and coffee bars, I was both disheartened and amused by this YouTube video that was brought to my attention over the weekend...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1UlEfC72g&feature=share&fb_source=message
There was a horrified 'mum' moment where I realised that my darling little man might one day have to potentially breathe the same air as these excuses for human beings when it came time to go to school, if we took to a local school, until I had a few rational realisations.
1. What are the chances that these amoeba brained idiots actually stepped foot into their local comprehensive?
2. Clearly never had a music lesson... Again adds to the idea that they never went to school
3. Would someone truly 'gangsta' and into stuffing Class A's into their body actually post a video on YouTube to emphasise their 'gangsta' 'don't f**k with me cuz I'll cutcha blud' attitude to the world?
4. The Muppets are in need of some new characters, with their impending Hollywood fame at least they'll be kept away from my child...
5. Could've sworn the one on the left rode past me on a girls' push bike the other afternoon... very 'hard'
So there was my rational thought behind why I shouldn't worry as a parent about my baby one day being within a metre vicinity of 'well 'ard' (not really) socially inept misfits. Just got to hope that they haven't already knocked up some 14 year old so the cycle begins again... I appeal to any sense in that single braincell shared between the two of you, boys, PLEASE DON'T REPRODUCE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI1UlEfC72g&feature=share&fb_source=message
There was a horrified 'mum' moment where I realised that my darling little man might one day have to potentially breathe the same air as these excuses for human beings when it came time to go to school, if we took to a local school, until I had a few rational realisations.
1. What are the chances that these amoeba brained idiots actually stepped foot into their local comprehensive?
2. Clearly never had a music lesson... Again adds to the idea that they never went to school
3. Would someone truly 'gangsta' and into stuffing Class A's into their body actually post a video on YouTube to emphasise their 'gangsta' 'don't f**k with me cuz I'll cutcha blud' attitude to the world?
4. The Muppets are in need of some new characters, with their impending Hollywood fame at least they'll be kept away from my child...
5. Could've sworn the one on the left rode past me on a girls' push bike the other afternoon... very 'hard'
yep... 'gangsta'...
Friday, 16 March 2012
PMT?... Permanent Mard-arse Tendancies more like...
There are some professions which breed a type of woman who is ambitious, ruthless, and all-in-all a complete bitch. Unfortunately these professions have a tendency to be heavily male orientated in which some women seem to think they have to be 'tough' to prove themselves. Women in these types of jobs are either 'one of the guys' or nasty pieces of work who would certainly manipulate and step on anyone to get what they want. I pride myself on being 'one of the guys' and not the latter.
An unfortunate friend called me the other day having fallen prey to one of these mega-bitch women, she had just started a new job and let's face it, most of us expect a warm welcome to a new job. She was met with a frosty reception from a female colleague who actually held a no more superior role than herself. Having dug further into the background of this woman it appears that she certainly held a reputation of being a 'bit of a cow' who apparently suffers from bad PMT...
...PMT... apparently the 'excuse' a lot of women use for being a complete bitch... The 'condition' is not a myth I assure you, however never have I come across it lasting 7 days a week, 365 days a year. My friend was quite upset with the way she was treated, and low and behold she received the same reception the next day and the next.
Personally, I'd have drop-kicked the cow explaining that in prehistoric times this was how cavemen resolved their issues, and that there was no room for PMT (Permanent Mard-arse Tendancies) in a male working environment. But hey, that's me :)
Above is Hilary Devey, in my opinion this woman is someone to aspire to be. Yes, she's scary, she's got HUGE shoulderpads, but she made it in a man's world without being a bitch, just through hard work and determination, and with this, she's gained the respect she deserves as she doesn't bolsh about throwing her weight around like a PMT dragon. Hurrah for her shoulderpadded strange face! Manipulative weight throwers should take a leaf from her book.
An unfortunate friend called me the other day having fallen prey to one of these mega-bitch women, she had just started a new job and let's face it, most of us expect a warm welcome to a new job. She was met with a frosty reception from a female colleague who actually held a no more superior role than herself. Having dug further into the background of this woman it appears that she certainly held a reputation of being a 'bit of a cow' who apparently suffers from bad PMT...
...PMT... apparently the 'excuse' a lot of women use for being a complete bitch... The 'condition' is not a myth I assure you, however never have I come across it lasting 7 days a week, 365 days a year. My friend was quite upset with the way she was treated, and low and behold she received the same reception the next day and the next.
Above is Hilary Devey, in my opinion this woman is someone to aspire to be. Yes, she's scary, she's got HUGE shoulderpads, but she made it in a man's world without being a bitch, just through hard work and determination, and with this, she's gained the respect she deserves as she doesn't bolsh about throwing her weight around like a PMT dragon. Hurrah for her shoulderpadded strange face! Manipulative weight throwers should take a leaf from her book.
Thursday, 15 March 2012
Channel Four's 'Mock-umentaries'
You've got to love Channel Four's attempt at educating the masses. Over the last 3 days I have subjected myself to complete tosh (yet I must admit, mildly entertaining) reality TV, which I could only describe as 'mock-umentaries'. I thought I would share with you my thoughts and experiences...
Monday showed me the delights of 'Embarrassing Bodies' whereby I learnt that not washing my foofy caused nasty infections and that having bum implants and cosmetic surgery abroad was a bad idea... I endured an hour of bottom clenching medical examinations and operations which would have probably caused a similarly nasty medical condition with the amount of muscular contractions in my buttocks. #anotherreasontheycallitshittingbricks
With great relief I stayed with Channel Four into a program about the REAL women behind phone sex lines... I think after showing that program there were thousands of men around the country attempting to remove their tongues with a blunt pair of scissors so that they wouldn't be able to use sex lines again... £1.80 an hour to speak to a hippocrocopig... I'm in the wrong profession.
Tuesday arrived, I was met with no surprises, apart from the lack of nuptials in 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding'... who knew that gypsies fought on the streets and bit each other's ears off and had bear knuckle fights? Bloody hell, I'm shocked. Not really, I could have just re-watched Snatch, at least Brad Pitt is more attractive. Again I began to think that I'm in the wrong profession... There were all these gypsy women, tanned, big flamboyant clothing who have the time (and a babysitter) to go out and get lashed. Daddy must have sold a lot of lucky charms to fund that kind of extravagance.
And then... for the finale, Wednesday brought me my favourite... One Born Every Minute. Makes me wonder about the 'cross-section' of society that is 'attempted' to be portrayed through these sorts of programmes... for example, every week there is a well-to-do couple and a chav couple whose father may or may not be present at the time of the birth due to prison sentences, restraining orders, etc... considering it's supposed to show 'normal' people living and having babies in Leeds, does this mean that 50% of those who give birth in Leeds are either chavs or have criminal fathers? This would also suggest that 50% of Leeds is crime ridden chavdom... Then again, I guess normal' people aren't good TV.
In conclusion I guess I learnt that being a pregnant gypsy who talks dirty on the phone (no need for that nasty cosmetic surgery then) is a great way to get rich quick. Thanks Channel Four!
Monday showed me the delights of 'Embarrassing Bodies' whereby I learnt that not washing my foofy caused nasty infections and that having bum implants and cosmetic surgery abroad was a bad idea... I endured an hour of bottom clenching medical examinations and operations which would have probably caused a similarly nasty medical condition with the amount of muscular contractions in my buttocks. #anotherreasontheycallitshittingbricks
With great relief I stayed with Channel Four into a program about the REAL women behind phone sex lines... I think after showing that program there were thousands of men around the country attempting to remove their tongues with a blunt pair of scissors so that they wouldn't be able to use sex lines again... £1.80 an hour to speak to a hippocrocopig... I'm in the wrong profession.
Tuesday arrived, I was met with no surprises, apart from the lack of nuptials in 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding'... who knew that gypsies fought on the streets and bit each other's ears off and had bear knuckle fights? Bloody hell, I'm shocked. Not really, I could have just re-watched Snatch, at least Brad Pitt is more attractive. Again I began to think that I'm in the wrong profession... There were all these gypsy women, tanned, big flamboyant clothing who have the time (and a babysitter) to go out and get lashed. Daddy must have sold a lot of lucky charms to fund that kind of extravagance.
And then... for the finale, Wednesday brought me my favourite... One Born Every Minute. Makes me wonder about the 'cross-section' of society that is 'attempted' to be portrayed through these sorts of programmes... for example, every week there is a well-to-do couple and a chav couple whose father may or may not be present at the time of the birth due to prison sentences, restraining orders, etc... considering it's supposed to show 'normal' people living and having babies in Leeds, does this mean that 50% of those who give birth in Leeds are either chavs or have criminal fathers? This would also suggest that 50% of Leeds is crime ridden chavdom... Then again, I guess normal' people aren't good TV.
(About the Father) "He's a good lad, he just ends up in prison a lot" Great addition to the Pushchair Brigade.
In conclusion I guess I learnt that being a pregnant gypsy who talks dirty on the phone (no need for that nasty cosmetic surgery then) is a great way to get rich quick. Thanks Channel Four!
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
...The Pushchair Brigade...
The average walk around a town centre can readily be met with bruising/lacerations/fractures due to what is known as 'The Pushchair Brigade'. The members of this brigade, rather than taking the time to stroll around enjoying time with their child appear to have NOS operated buggies whose terrible steering is second only to Lewis Hamilton on a bad day. Whilst on my walk today I found myself head on with what appeared to be a troop of these buggers 4 buggies wide, which I had to promptly respond to with some extreme tactical manoeuvring in order to avoid a several buggy pile up... not impressed.
This got me thinking, when I'm out and about in town having a stroll, enjoying my maternity leave, do passers by consider me to be a part of this brigade? Aware that I don't look much of my 27 years, do the more 'well-to-do' members of society out shopping/having their lunchbreak consider me to be a part of this pushchair subculture of young mums who supplement their need for speeding in a car for speeding in their buggy?
Time for a cuppa...
Under the advice of a friend I have been told to vent all my annoyances in a blog as I cause too much offence on Facebook statuses... So here it is... The grinding gears of a woman with very little to do whilst on maternity leave who is in need of some kind of mental stimulation. Here are my teabreak thoughts for the day...
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